Lessons I've learned trying to make new friends
One day, you wake up and realise you don’t have any friends. Or maybe, over time, you come to the slow realisation that your ‘friends’ are really just acquaintances.
It’s an easy mistake to make.
I’m constantly learning and relearning the invisible boundary between these two terms, but to make friends, you must at least be acquainted first. Just like you wouldn’t marry someone without getting to know them, friendship starts with familiarity and grows from there.
In my early adulthood, it felt like true friendship was difficult to attain, and I eventually realised I was never great at it in the first place. Was it a coincidence that my closest childhood friends were simply the kids who happened to be in my year at school?
Friendship was effortless then. A curated environment of people the same age, going through the same struggles. Learning the difference between nouns and pronouns or memorising the planets in the solar system, those were difficult times. But we got through it all, by sitting in class day by day and eventually forming bonds with the people we liked the most. That’s how we made friends.
It didn’t take much effort.
But in adulthood, we don’t have that manufactured environment of age-appropriate peers to spend time with every day. Now, we go forth into the world and wonder why it’s so difficult. It’s difficult because life is much more complicated than it ever was in the classroom, and we now have to put effort into a skill we never realised we lacked.
Thankfully, we’re not alone in this. Most people struggle to make friends, especially in the years after graduation. I’ve learned a lot through trial and error, and the biggest lesson is this: making acquaintances (and eventually friends) is a process of trying, trying, and trying again.
Here’s what I’ve discovered along the way.
Be Comfortable Being By Yourself
This might seem counterintuitive, but please hear me out.
This is probably the most important lesson I have learned and the most rewarding. Because I’m able to be by myself, I don’t feel pressured to force friendships or coexist with the wrong people just so I’m not alone.
Also, desperation isn’t appealing. It either acts as a deterrent or attracts people who are willing to take advantage of it. There’s something about wanting something too badly that brings out the worst version of ourselves.
Looking for friendship is perfectly fine. Running from yourself is not.
Make Time to Make Friends
Remember how I said friendship came easily to us in school? As adults, we have to be more intentional. We can’t do nothing and expect great things. If you want friends, you have to make the time.
This isn’t like Deliveroo or Postmates, friendships won’t just come to your door. As a society, we’re losing the art of community-building. We’re so used to convenience, but true relationships aren’t always convenient. There’s a lot of effort required in building and sustaining adult friendships.
Earphones in, head down in the gym is much easier than saying hi to someone.
Going home to watch Netflix is easier than standing awkwardly at the birthday party of someone you kind-of-sort-of know.
But if you want to meet people, you have to meet people.
And you make friends by being friendlier.
Follow Your Curiosity
Do something fun or interesting, but do it in three ways.
I got this idea from YouTube, and it’s a great way to meet new people:
Try a new activity.
Try the social version of something you already enjoy.
Try a different group.
If you see an event or activity on social media that looks interesting, save it. Then, the next time you see an ad or an event nearby, take it as a sign to go. This is how I’ve been able to talk to so many new people recently.
For the second point, take something you already like doing and do it in a group setting. If you read, join a book club. If you run, join a running club.
For the third, take a group activity you already do and try a different group. If you’re already in a book club, try a different one. If you go to the gym, visit a new one. I recently switched gyms, met a girl one day who added me to a WhatsApp group, and through that, I ended up at dinners where I met even more people. Changing your location can change your social circle.
Caveat: in my humble opinion, don’t go anywhere just to make new friends. It adds a level of pretence and forcedness that can make you act unlike yourself. This was a mindset shift for me. Now, I go to events that genuinely interest me, and if I leave without connecting with someone on Instagram, that’s okay, as long as I had a good time.
Talk to People
It seems like common sense, but if you’re at an event, talk to people.
This usually isn’t an issue for me, but there have been times I’ve fallen into anti-social mode without intending to. I once went to a TEDx conference and left without speaking to a single person, which was a shame.
Sometimes, you have to take the first step. Let people know you’re new or that it’s your first time at an event. It’s endearing.
When you do start talking to people, find out what their interests are. If you exchange numbers, you’ll have a couple of ideas for things you could do together.
It’s harder to establish people’s interests through messages, it can feel a little less organic. But if you send over a link for an activity you already talked about in person, making plans becomes much easier.
One thing about reaching out to people is that you want a friendship that is reciprocal and not one-sided. As a rule, if I meet someone new and it starts to feel that way, I gracefully bow out. Constantly reaching out to people can make you feel even lonelier, so it’s not worth it.
Find an Extrovert
I seem to gravitate towards introverted people. But you really have to drag introverts everywhere because they can be very preoccupied with being indoors. If you think you can handle it, get yourself an extrovert.
Extroverts have endless energy, love being outside, and seem to know everyone.
If your instinct is to decline every invitation, you need to start saying yes more (within reason). People who constantly say no get fewer invites.
But if someone you like invites you somewhere, there’s a high chance you’ll meet other people you like too.
Saying yes more will probably change your life.
In 2023, I took a risk and went to my first Muslim marriage matchmaking event. I didn’t meet the love of my life, but I met some amazing women and that decision triggered a ripple effect that has positively impacted my life in so many ways. Looking back, I can now connect the dots and see how one event led to one conversation, which led to something else. You never know which one decision will cause a chain reaction but you can start making ripples and look out for the waves.